There’s alot of hate and oppression going around in this world today, and I’m proud to say I play my own small role in contributing to it. But there is one type of discrimination in this world that I actively campaign against, the kind of abuse that sickens me to my core.
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST MINORITY GROUPS I’M PART OF
And it’s for this reason that I highlight the relentless persecution of one of the most important minority groups in the Western world – Atheists.
Atheists aren’t evil, misguided, or unenlightened: we’re just normal people like the rest of you, only burdened with being right. Everywhere you look, there’s evidence of our persecution. But when you start to look at what we’re up against, it’s not hard to see why.
Jesus of Nazareth
Nothing I write here can possibly say can put it better – Jesus is awesome*
As the video mentions, Jesus was an awesome stand-up comic.
Don’t be confused by what those filthy liberals say though – Jesus is whiter than Rose McGowan, grew up in Kansas, and votes Republican. He died for our sins, but then came back and walked around for awhile, showing everyone how bad ass he was. But 3 days in that cave meant he was busting for an epic shit – Jesus found your garden, and started laying a bunch of “Jew eggs” in the bushes. When Mary Magdalene caught him laying an egg, he blamed it on a nearby rabbit, labelled her a whore, then bugged out back to heaven. Mary Magdalene ate a bunch of Jesus’s eggs (Jesus had already invented the “Dirty Sanchez” because Mary was half Mexican) but missed some, and they fossilised and turned into chocolate over the millennia for kids to find and eat.
And that’s the story of Easter.
Mohammad was just an ordinary guy… who kicked some serious ass all over the Middle East. He stomped all over those pesky Meccan tribes, laid down the Laws of Allah, and brought the whole region into a state of relative peace – which lasted all of about 30 seconds after he died. But Mohammad was totally cool with dying, because he’d already been to heaven once before, and decided to come back to keep being a bad ass on Earth for awhile. One night he rode a flying fucking winged-horse into heaven with arch-angel Gabriel; prayed at the furthest mosque; hung out with Allah for awhile just chilling and listening to Sigur Rós; then he had to bail and head back to Earth to sort some shit out. How cool is that?
L. Ron Hubbard and Xenu
Just personally, I think L. Ron Hubbard was a fairly major douche-fag. But I have to respect a man who tells everyone exactly what he’s going to do (in Reader’s-Fucking-Digest no less), and then laughs all the way to the bank as 8 million morons throw their money at him anyway
“Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion”
The real reason Scientology has so much going for it though, is because of this bad boy, Xenu (or is that Xemu?)
While not technically the “good” guy in Scientology, why wouldn’t you want to believe in a “religion” based on the idea that Xenu, evil dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, tricked his people into turning up for income-tax inspections, trapped their souls in booze and anti-freeze, flew them to Earth in DC-8′s, dumped them around volcanoes, then blew the fuck out of them by dropping mecha-tons of hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes? If someone had told me that when I was five, I’d be asking if we could dig up L. Ron Hubbard’s body so I could suck his dick while he protected me from Xenu and his army of thetans, all hell-bent on raping supple young boys like myself. I’d be fucking SOLD on Scientology right there and then.
Then I’d probably go back to playing with my toy dinosaurs.
The Hindus have their own “God of fucking things up” – Shiva. And when other Hindu deities churned up the oceans to get the sweet, sugary nectar of immortality, Shiva decided to be a badass and drink the left over poisonous shit instead, staining his throat blue. Between being the transformer and destroyer of our entire universe, Shiva in his spare time likes long walks on the beach, throwing his trident at people who piss him off, having the Ganges river flow out from his hair, and riding around on his epic bull “Nandi”
And what’s the best we poor atheists can do? Yet another old, white, dead guy -
It wasn’t enough for Charles Darwin to undermine our entire understanding of biology (what kind of a science is that anyway?) – he was also a disappointment to his father, and was called a liar by CBS news. Some claim he died from the guilt of rejecting god, others from being a racist, for growing a beard too late in life and never owning a beagle. It’s also very easy to prove his theory on the big bang was wrong too.
Then again, some simply think he died because he was lactose intolerant (the worst kind of intolerance).
But against all these fantastic arguments and awesome deities, atheists push on doggedly in their belief that there is no god. Thankfully for all the normal people out there though, researchers have established some causes for atheism and are currently working on a cure.
In the mean time, I guess we’ll just have to endure the abuse and sneering remarks of the drooling masses. It’s just a burden you have to bear when you go and do something crazy, like basing your belief system on that flimsy trinity of basic facts, the scientific method, and Occam’s razor.
Sits back and waits for the hate-mail to roll in
[* For epic lulz, type "Jesus is Awesome" and check out the first link, or simply click here for epic Google-ness]