College of Awesome – Surviving the Australian Bush

Task

Avoid certain death when faced with the unrelenting horror of the Australian bush

Background

For generations Australians have lived out a happy and BBQ-filled existence next to the ocean;  care free in the knowledge that little changes on the fringes of this large and sunburnt country. And given that nearly 3/4 of all Australians live in coastal areas, our laid-back demeanour is probably well deserved. But what about the Australians who don’t live on the coast?

“Bushies” are a breed of their own – welcoming and hospitable at times, they’re also always slightly distant. City folk sometimes struggle with this, thinking them rude. But a true bushy has learnt to keep distance with everyone. Why? You’d probably find it hard to be close to people when you’ve seen relatives, friends and neighbours mercilessly slaughtered by marauding packs of drop bears.

Drop Bears – They’ll fuck up your whole family just for lulz

The average bushie has seen the trauma these unrelenting beasts can inflict on communities, and so they are often reluctant to get close to anyone new unless they become another victim. Add in the constant threat of hoop snakes, yowies, and the dangers of using electric trees – violet death is ultimately inevitable for any city folk spending more than a few hours in the Australian bush. However, through knowing the characteristics of some of the more dangerous characters in the Australian bush, it is possible to visit for short periods without becoming an entrée for a Tantanoola tiger.

Drop Bears

An aggressive, carnivorous sub-species of koala – the so called “Drop Bear” (Phascolarctos Facerapus) is responsible for over 300 fatal attacks each year on humans, with untold numbers of seriously injured survivors. Larger than it’s peaceful Eucalypt-consuming cousins, Drop bears instead rely entirely on a diet of flesh and human breast milk. They only take live prey, dropping from trees onto their target and attacking the exposed neck and spinal cord of their live prey. In the wild these fearsome beasts work in packs to take down much larger animals, and it is here that they present the greatest danger to humans. Other risks however include unsuspecting foreign women being raped by lesbian drop bears, as well as drop bears infiltrating our children’s television shows. However, when not engaged in a hunt or same-sex rape, drop bears are highly territorial and regularly fight to protect their carefully constructed hides. Should a drop bear be defeated in a territorial conflict though, it will often summon Beezlebub to assist in destroying the victor.

There are many wide ranging myths regarding drop bears, and many Australians have used the terror these creatures can create to scare ignorant foreigners even further. Some particularly sick individuals even provide false “security devices” against drop bears. I know of atleast one instance where a young, nameless Australian army combat engineer on an exercise managed to convince a company of US marines that drop bears have a weakness for sweet food, and that the only way to save yourself during an attack was to carry around a piece of buttered bread covered in sprinkles in your pocket. The theory was that during an attack, the “Fairy Bread” could be thrown out and the drop bear would stop it’s violent assault to eat it instead.

Unfortunately when the drop bears did attack the Americans (or more correctly, the marines spotted a harmless koala in a tree one night and blew it away with a salvo of M-16 fire), the fairy bread did nothing. The marines could only start a huge bonfire, fix bayonets, and have all 100 of them stand shoulder to shoulder around the fire, waiting for the inevitable drop bear attack. Unfortunately, this meant the young Aussie engineer that had started this whole lie was booted out of bed by his sergeant, had to drive up to the American camp in the middle of the night and explain that there were no drop bears in the area and that fairy bread did nothing. Not believing him, the Americans stayed encircling the fire till dawn, completely destroying their commanding officer’s plans for the next day.

But fuck it was funny.

Hoop Snakes

Not as well known as the terror-instilling drop bear, Hoop snakes (Scutellatus Lupos) still present a significant threat to the overseas visitor. Exceptionally venomous, with no known antivenom, the Hoop snake also opts for the high ground in attacking their prey. However instead of dropping from trees onto their prey like drop bears, hoop snakes will watch from the top of a large, open hill. Upon sighting a potential meal, they will bite their own tail to form a circular “hoop”, proceeding to roll down the hill at their target. Provided they have sufficient velocity, the hoop snake will release it’s tail when it is within 10-15 meters of the target, flying through the air to strike with a fatal bite to the neck.

Fortunately, hoop snake attack can be easily countered if identified during the rolling phase (although once it’s flying through the air at your neck, you’re basically fucked). By simply running as fast as you can up the hill, the snake will misjudge the release point, flying harmlessly past you and your deliciously tender neck. DO NOT STOP RUNNING THOUGH, as the snake will quickly recalculate it’s tail-release point and still fuck you up. So if you are ever walking past a large, grassy hill and someone screams out “snake!” YOU MUST RUN TO THE TOP OF THE HILL AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

A Final Note of Electric Trees

Some overseas visitors have at times enquired about using the electric trees found in some Australian swamplands to power electric shavers. A common practice for Australian soldiers in the bush is to identify an electric tree (which closely resemble the Paper-bark trees found in swamps), push the electric socket into the soft bark of the tree, and proceed to shave off the electric current produced by the tree’s hydro-galvanic reaction.

Overseas visitors are NOT advised to engage in this practice themselves, particularly if using electrical devices designed to handle anything lower than 240 volts. Using an American 120v shaver on a 240volt electric tree has been known to over-volt the shaver, leading to device burn out and cause potentially dangerous facial injuries as the shaver attempts to eat the user’s face