Movie Review – The All Time Greatest Films List

Since the move to the new Mighty Ginge, there hasn’t been a film review. Reviews became a semi-regular part of the old blog, and as part of re-starting this I’ve decided to run the biggest film review of all-time: covering every one of the 132 films on the “All Time Greatest Films List” from Richard Horne’s book “101 Things To Do Before You Die”.

Ofcourse, because I’m not a moron, none of the reviews are longer than 2 lines long – enjoy

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The All Time Greatest Films List – Reviewed

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• 12 Angry Men (1957) – Amazing jury room drama shot almost entirely in a two rooms, with only 2 of the 12 jurors ever getting names beyond their juror number.
• 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) – “I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that” doesn’t come from Red Dwarf, you illiterate wankers
• A Bout de Souffle (1959) – The main character is a complete ass bandit, the yank is a stupid bitch for putting up with his shit, and I cheered when he got shot in the back and died. I get it, it’s film noir, it’s French, it’s supposed to be cool – I can’t believe I wasted 30mins finding subtitles for this shit
• Alien (1979) – Creepy, unnatural, and scary as fuck: one of the few horror films I’ve ever enjoyed
• Aliens (1986) – Easily one of the best action films of all time. The mech suit Ripley uses at the end kick started my addiction to mechwarrior as a kid
• Amadeus (1984) – Sure, it’s 3hours long. And even though Mozart’s wife is an annoying bitch, it’s difficult to describe how magnificent her rack is – totally worth it.
• Amelie (2001) – Audrey Tatu can have my babies anytime
• American Beauty (1999) – The twist at the end scared the living Jebus out of me
• An American Werewolf in London – American tourists act like jackasses by ignoring local advice, get mauled by a werewolf – my favourite kind of fable. Jenny Agutter causes a werewolf-like transformation in my pants.
• Annie Hall (1977) – This film more than legitimised my previously unfounded hatred for Woodie Allen
• Apocalypse Now (1979) – CHARLIE DON’T SURF! Col Kilmore is one of the greatest characters ever created
• Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) – There’s random hilarity, and then there’s just plain retarded – this is the later. No wonder Cary Grant tried to get his name removed from this
• Audition (2000) – I don’t usually cringe watching films, but this bitch is all kinds of messed up. DO NOT WANT, DOOO NOOOOT WAAAAAAAANT!
• Back to the Future (1985) – Time travel: when accidental incest suddenly becomes a legitimate concern
• Barbarella (1967) – Think Flash Gordon space randomness, but with Jane Fonda wearing see-through tops and pursuing “Duran Duran” (seriously). She strips into the buff in the opening credits – enough said.
• The Big Lebowski (1998) – The dude TOTALLY obeys
• Big Wednesday (1978) – Gary Busey redefines cracker-ass crazy in this cruisy surf film about growing up through the Vietnam War
• Blade Runner (1982) – Another fantastic film DESTROYED by having to pull it to pieces at school
• Blue Velvet (1985) – If David Lynch’s Eraserhead was bullshit, then this is him adding sado-masochism and murder to that bullshit. I don’t care if it dissects the cultural significance of blah, blah, blah – it’s bullshit.
• Das Boot (1981) – This is genuinely epic, right from the opening scene
• Brazil (1985) – Jonathan Pryce is awesome, and epic lulz are had in this “dystopian satire”. When I grow up, I want to be Harry Tuttle
• Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) – Mikey Rooney is so fantastically racist in this; it takes real heroism for a white comedian to embrace EVERY negative Asian stereotype ever conceived
• The Breakfast Club (1985) – Anyone cool enough to be called “John Bender”, before the real Bender ever existed, has to be awesome
• Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) – Robert “Moustache Ride” Redford and Paul “Salad Dressing” Newman star in a classic Western about two anti-heroes on the run.
• Caddyshack (1980) – I AM that gopher… totally unstoppable
• Casablanca (1942) – “Here’s lookin’ at you kid” sounds like something you’d hear from a paedophile
• Casino (1995) – The image of Sharon Stone going down on Joe Pesci will haunt me till the day I die.
• A Christmas Carol (1970) – This has been done SO many times since, but the original is by far the best of them all
• Citizen Kane (1941) – Fuck Rosebud, I hope that stupid sleigh burns in hell
• City of God (2002) – He rolled up and smoked counter-chick’s phone number – WHAT A DOUCHEBAG. Knockout Ned is the only reason I kept watching
• Clash of the Titans (1981) – The classic tale of Perseus told with TERRIBLE stop-motion animation – the special effects are truly something to behold
• Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) – How the fuck did this get on here, but not E.T?
• Deliverance – SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY! SQUEAL! EEEEEEEEEEEEI! EEEEEEEEEEEEI!
• Les Diaboliques (1955) – French cinema gives me a rash
• Donnie Darko (2001) – “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?” I’d love to watch this on acid
• Do the Right Thing (1989) – Maybe I’m a closet racist, but I didn’t give a shit about ANYONE in this film. Although I would have preferred if John Turturro had been the one that died.
• Dr Strangelove (1964) – Peter Sellers is completely bonkers, and I want to ride a bomb when I die.
• Ed Wood (1994) – I really don’t remember watching this, but I’ve been assured I have
• The Elephant Man (1980) – This is the only David Lynch film I could even remotely tolerate. I…AM…A MAN!
• The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – I want to crawl up inside you… like Luke Skywalker in his Taun-Taun during a blizzard on Hoth
• Enter the Dragon (1973) – Every kung fu film, ever ykung fu parody, every archetype of kung fu: they all came from this
• Eraserhead (1977) – To paraphrase David Cross, I’d rather hear the death rattle of my only child than have to watch this shit again. Eraserhead should be used to induce abortions
• Evil Dead 2 (1987) – Sam Axe + Chainsaw bolted to an arm + Sawn off Shotgun = UNMEASUREABLE AWESOME
• Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – “Danke Shoen!” One of my top 4 favourite films of all time
• Festen (1998) – Dad rapes his kids, Dad has birthday gathering when the kids are in their 30′s, the son tells everyone during his dedication speech – hilarity ensues
• Fight Club (1999) – Every time I watch this, I see something new or some connection I hadn’t seen before. And the book is even more mental
• Flash Gordon (1980) – FLASH! AHHHH HAAAA! SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!
• Ghostbusters (1984) – ZUUUUUUUUUL! Absolute 80′s classic
• The Godfather, Part 1 (1972) – Meh
• The Godfather, Part 2 (1974) – Meh, Part 2
• The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966) – The greatest spaghetti western of all time. I just wish Clint Eastwood had a name in this so I could scream it out during sex
• Goodfellas (1990) – If you’ve ever seen an episode of the Animaniacs with the “Good Feathers” in it, you can’t watch this with a straight face
• The Graduate (1967) – WHAT… THE… FUCK… Classic song though
• The Great Escape (1962) – Best prison movie… ever
• Grosse Point Blank (1997) – “I lead a weekend men’s group, we specialise in ritual killings” Also one of my top 4 favourite films of all time
• Groundhog Day (1993) – People hate this for some reason. Bill Murray is a living god
• Harold and Maude – Creepy kid who can’t be killed meets anarchistic Octogenarian at other people’s funerals. They make out… it’s weird
• Harvey – Weird ’50′s precursor to Donnie Darko, except there’s actually a rabbit, instead of some Mexican guy in a rabbit suit
• Heathers – Christian Slater playing a suicide-inducing sociopath who’s in love with a teenage Winoda Ryder before she started stealing shit
• The Italian Job (1969) – The mini-coopers make this film – badass
• It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – Dated, and the angel thing is pretty clumsily done – but my god is this good. James Stewart is incredible
• Jules et Jim (1962) – I’m not kidding; if I ever have to watch another French film noir I’m going to go on a violent rampage with a burnt baguette
• The Jungle Book (1967) – Disney’s nerfed adaptation of Kipling’s original tale, with all the death and real-life jungle bad-assery being replaced with some serious musical bad-assery
• Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949) – Classy Englishman gentleman murders his way through his aristocratic family tree, using their own pretentious wankery to kill them, and becomes the duke. Laughed my ass off the whole film.
• Kingpin (1996) – The Farrelly brothers have only made 3 good films. This isn’t one of them
• L.A. Confidential (1997) – Yeah, it’s good. But I really didn’t give a shit either
• The Lady Killers (1955) – Everybody dies? LOL WUT?
• Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – YOOOOU SHAAAALL NOT PASS!
• Lost in Translation (2003) – My least favourite Bill Murray film
• The Matrix (1999) – When you see it, you’ll shit bricks… unless you watch it 400 times as part of your year 11 English studies. Then you’ll just want to stab the Wachowski brothers in the face
• Memento (2000) – I STILL don’t get what’s going on in this film…
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) – Easily my favourite Python film, I want “Always look on the bright side of life” as my funeral song
• Monty Python and the Life of Brian (1979) – And the only Monty Python film I don’t like
• National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) – Jim Belushi was a fucking rockstar , and Animal House is a beautiful thing
• The Night of the Hunter (1955) – I wanted to punch every adult in this film; only the two kids actually make it remotely interesting
• North by Northwest (1959) – Spy romance where advertising exec is mistaken for a spy that doesn’t actually exist. Also, Hitchcock was abit of an ass bandit.
• Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) – The version of “Man of Constant Sorrow” in this, mimed by the 3 brothers, is completely mental
• The Omen (1976) – After I watched this, the hot water system in the hotel exploded and the we had to evacuate at 1am in the morning. SHIT THE BED
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) – Easily one of the best films on this list
• A Passage to India (1984) – After seeing this, the only way I could watch Judy Davis for nearly 3 hours again would be if i were watching a looped clip of Chuck Norris kicking her head off
• Peeping Tom (1960) – Seems 1960 was the year of the psychopathic loner – creepy German guy who only films women he’s about to kill.
• Pi (1998) – Power Drill + Brain = no more voices screaming prime numbers in your head
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) – “BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?” Johnny Depp stomps so much ass in this.
• Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) – This is honestly the only Steve Martin film I’ve ever enjoyed, probably because John Candy is in it
• Platoon (1986) – Brutal and gritty, this is the blueprint for every proper war film since
• The Producers (1967) – “Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden” is the greatest script title ever created
• Psycho (1960) – Norman Bates is a scary-assed motherfucker – and to think this was released in 1960
• Pulp Fiction (1994) – Who doesn’t love scripture-quoting hitmen? Greatest intro music ever used in a film too
• Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – Don’t forget kids: stealing golden idols may release epic boulders of death
• Rear Window (1954) – As I said, Hitchcock was abit of a wanker, but I do love James Stewart in pretty much anything.
• The Right Stuff (1983) – Interesting dramatisation of the start of the American space program up until the end of the Mercury program. Too bad they didn’t go on a tad further and mention the 3 guys who died in Apollo 1
• The Ring (2002) – I saw this drunk and sleep deprived, aaaaaaand it was still shit
• Risky Business (1983) – Tom Cruise being a teenage pimp. Ehh, whatever
• The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) – You know, I probably would have shot Ben Stiller’s character with a BB gun given the chance too.
• Scanners (1981) – I want Michael Ironside to smear baby oil on his head and rub it all over my naked body. MAKE MY HEAD ASPLODE MIKEY!
• Secretary (2002) – Maggie Gyllenhaal confused the fuck out of me with this: do I get turned on by the proof-reading spanking, or terrified by her pissing in her wedding dress on the same desk?
• Sexy Beast (2000) – CHK CHK BOOM, BEN KINGSLEY! The boulder at the start is pretty random too…
• Se7en (1995) – Kevin Spacey plays such a great psycho.
• The Seven Samurai (1954) – For a 3 hour film, this is actually REALLY good. That said, I still cheered every time one of those whinging fucking villagers died – about the only thing worse than the sound of a Japanese woman weeping, is a Japanese man weeping.
• The Shawshank Redemption (1994) – One of the most important films I’ve ever seen, and one of my favourite four
• The Shining (1980) – So many great lines in this. Unfortunately though after seeing it, I can’t hear girls talk about being on their period without thinking about the hallway scene.
• Shrek (2001) – As much as I cringe at the thought of Mike Myers in anything, this can’t be missed. Particularly when the blue bird ASPLODES.
• The Sixth Sense (1999) – The first time I saw this was when my high school friends finally realised I had issues, after I spent 15 minutes laughing till I cried at the opening scene in Bruce Willis’s bathroom
• Spirited Away (2001) – I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure this was so boring I feel asleep in the first 10 minutes. And I NEVER sleep in movies.
• Star Was (1977) – What can I say … HAN SHOT FIRST, BITCHES!
• The Sting (1973) – Robert Redford and Paul Newman being a gigantic douches, and still managing to be sexy doing it.
• The Straight Story – I’m really trying here, David Lynch. I really am. But if you ever make me watch a man on a lawnmower for 105mins again, I’m going to cut your pets up into little cubes and mail bits back to you for months afterwards.
• The Sure Thing (1985) – John Cusack going cross-country for poonani, when the girl he’s travelling with was willing to give it up anyway.
• Swingers (1996) – Vince Vaughn being sleezy… who’d have thunk it?
• Taxi Driver (1976) – “You talking to me?” Also, Jody Foster is total jail bait in this.
• Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) – Arnold Schwarzenegger: firing shotguns and grenade launchers single handed from moving vehicles since 1991
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – Really didn’t give a shit about anyone in this. Meathook scene was a highlight atleast.
• The Thing (1982) – 109 mins of Kurt Russel threatening people with dynamite
• This is Spinal Tap (1983) – Just because this was the first real “mockumentary” doesn’t make it good – some funny bits but not really clever enough for what it’s trying to do.
• To Kill A Mockingbird (1962) – Gregory Peck makes my giney tingle
• Top Secret! (1984) – Quite possibly Val Kilmer’s worst film… right after Red Planet
• Touch of Evil – Charlton Heston playing a mexican – not as funny as you might imagine
• Toy Story (1995) – Okay, I don’t know about anyone else, but that baby’s head on a the metal spider legs FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT!
• Toy Story 2 (1999) – I’d wanted to do TERRIBLE things to Jessie the cowgirl, right up till the moment I realised she’s voiced by Joan Cusack…
• Trading Places (1983) – Dan Akroyd (between Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters) and Eddie Murphy (back when he was still snorting half a pound of cocaine every morning with breakfast) in the same film – classic
• True Romance (1993) – A road trip movie with Christian Slater playing another psycho in love with yet another psycho who shoots Tony from the Sopranos at point blank with a 12-gauge shotgun
• Two-Lane Blacktop (1971) – Truly pointless film about cross-country car racing – this made no sense at any point
• The Untouchables (1987) – How is this the only film with Sean Connery in it on this fucking list?
• The Usual Suspects (1995) – The original “When you see it, you’ll shit bricks”
• The Vanishing (1988) – Dude loses his girlfriend, then meets the other dude who abducted her. There’s also dreams about golden eggs involved
• Videodrome (1982) – James Wood starts tripping balls and shoving video tapes into his chest…. think “Scanners” but with violent porn thrown into the mix
• When We Were Kings (1996) – Fascinating seeing the story of the “Rumble in the Jungle” between Ali and the guy who invented the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine.
• The Wicker Man (1973) – By the end of this, you’re cheering when the cop is immolated in the giant wicker man. The 2006 re-make of this is worth watching just to see Nicolas Cage fly-kick a nun, then scream “OH GOD NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEES!”

• Withnail and I – Two effeminate & neurotic actors leave their rat-infested London apartment to stay in an isolated country house. Sounds funny – it’s painful.
• Young Frankenstein – Mel Brooks is fantastic, but how did this get on the list over “Robin Hood – Men in Tights”?

And there you have it – evidence that I have nothing better to do with my time than watch films and inflict 2 sentence reviews of them on you. Enjoy