College of Awesome – Home Made K.F.C
Task
Make your own home-made K.F.C at home, with just a few basic ingredients.
Background
Fast Food – it’s the staple of college and university students the world over. But while fast food varies from country to country, there are two trans-fat loaded stalwarts leading the charge globally. And while I’m sure any performing art student (with enough time and grant money) could figure what goes into a big greasy BigMac from McShit (and then do an interpretive dance about it), the question continues to hang over Kentucky Fried “Chicken” and it’s ingredients. Nearly 80 years since he first started experimenting with chicken (rather fittingly selling it from a petrol station) during the Great Depression*, the “11 secret herbs and spices” in the Colonel’s “Original recipe” remain unconfirmed.
That was ofcourse, back in the day when “Original recipe” actually had 11 herbs and spices in KFC.
Running a sample in a lab quickly shows that there is SWEET FUCK ALL ingredients in modern KFC. A quick perusal over the web though quickly comes up with a range of different recipes claiming to be the “Original Recipe” (I love you so much Maddox). But since we’ve all been eating a watered down cock-gobbling version of the original “Original Recipe” for generations now, I decided instead of trying to copy the bullshit you get in the restaurant I’d make a bad-ass version that poor-assed tertiary students can make and consume at their leisure.
Bask in all it’s majesty, and behold for I give you -
The Mighty Ginge’s “Ultra Ball-Breaker Original Recipe”
Ingredients (Serves 1)
- 1 egg
- 2 teaspoons of traditional soy sauce
- 1 cup of Kellogg’s “Crunchy Nut”
- 1 cup of peanuts
- 2 teaspoons of honey
- 1 teaspoon of black pepper
- 1 freshly shaven kitten (if you’re allergic to cat hair, do it any way – courage wolf will protect you)
Method
- Pre-heat your fan-forced oven to 220 deg Celsius (who gives a fuck what it is in Fahrenheit? Welcome to the metric system bitches, get with the program)
- Crack the egg into a large bowl, then add the soy sauce, honey and black pepper – mix thoroughly.
- Place the cup of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut and the peanuts** into a ziplock bag, and crush the living Jesus out of it until it’s nearly powder.
- Added the crushed flakes to the bowl, and again mix thoroughly. Depending on how finely you crushed the flakes, you should be left with a chunky paste of death
- Take your shaven kitten and dip it into the bowl. Ensure it is covered completely and evenly with the mixture to ensure a consistent bake. This recipe also works by substituting the kitten with either 2 chicken fillets (if you’re a weak little girl) or a fully grown tom-cat that you’ve just dragged out of a pool and is still alive (if you’re the ultimate bad-ass like Blaine Cooper)
- Bake your kitten on a wire frame with a drip tray for approximately 20mins. The outer coating should just be turning a dark brown when you remove it from the oven. Serve with half a cup of uncooked rice (because that’s how extreme you are)
Finally as an additional treat for dessert, scrape the slab of burnt honey that has leached off the mixture and pooled in the drip tray – it’s both delicious and carcinogenic. And for all of you Commerce students trying to type “carcinogenic” into Wikipedia, it means “good for you”.
And there you have it – a home made KFC recipe that’s cheap, tasty, and simple enough a humanities student could cook it. You’ll be able to enjoy delicious fried food without having to leave your World of Warcraft character unattended for the 3 minutes it would take to drive to KFC and back.
Enjoy!
* The actual Great Depression, not this pansy “global depression” we’re supposed to be in now. Too bad today’s stock-traders aren’t real men like they were back in the 30′s, where there was literally a hail of Wall Street traders jumping from skyscrapers. What we need is Godzilla to come fuck up the US Federal Reserve too – that’ll teach you dipshits for running a fake economy
**Peanuts play no actual role in this recipe whatsoever, other than to increase the amount of salt in it. But they do serve as a timely reminder to those who are prone to nut-based anaphylactic shock to stay out of my fucking kitchen
There are 3 Comments to "College of Awesome – Home Made K.F.C"
This is why I’m a fuckin’ vegetarian.
(will try recipe with soy kitten).
Can you get tofu steaks? Because this is awesome coating works on ANYTHING, and it’s glorious too – glorious like the sun rising over an ocean of cooking oil, filled with drowning cats.
I’m impressed though, I thought you would have been more offended by the “lactose intolerance is the worse kind of intolerance” comment in the post before
Dude, I AGREE with that comment. Lactose intolerance IS the worst kind of intolerance and when I die, I hope that heaven is a land full of milkshakes, ice cream and milk fresh from God’s utter.