College of Awesome – How to Get Blocked From My Facebook

Task

Achieve social pariah status by getting yourself blocked from my facebook

Background

Facebook forms a fairly major part of each day for me at the moment – between watching children’s cartoons from the 90′s, tweeting what I’m having for lunch, watching truly shit movies, having three or four wanks, and occasionally gracing you with my presence here; I tend to fill the gaps in my busy days by stalking people on facebook. There’s something about knowing exactly where all the people I went to school with are, what they’re doing, and using this information to systematically avoid them, that I find entirely arousing.

This pompous, holier-than-thou attitude quickly turns sour though when someone’s ruins my relaxed stalking with their monumentally retarded status updates. Being the tolerant and understanding individual that I am, most run of the mill idiocy is simply ignored. The odd spelling mistake, mediocre grammar, a drunken update – these are not things to get wound up about.

So it takes a special kind of spastic to really fuck up my Facebook ch’i. Do it often enough, and you leave me with a choice – do I endure your ongoing efforts to drag me down to the intellectual gutter you inhabit, just so I have the pleasure of looking at your profile for a laugh every time life gets me down? Or is the daily reminder of your existence no longer funny, and been deemed painful enough to warrant the effort of blocking you?

Truth be told, this isn’t something I have to do regularly, but goddamn do I take pleasure in it once the decision is made. So in today’s lecture we won’t be covering how to actually block someone*, but instead we’ll be meeting the characters that have joined the elite group of people that have pissed me off enough to be blocked on facebook.

Let’s take a look shall we?

The Baby Makers

In case you weren’t already aware, I don’t work very well with children. They are evil little shit factories that make ruining my day their primary goal. But as much as I hate kids (and goddamn do I hate kids), I hate parents that fuss over their little devil spawn even more. News Flash – your child is not beautiful, it is not perfect, it shouldn’t be your only reason for existing. What kind of redundant human being are you that the only purpose you have in life is to make MORE human beings. People are a fucking plague on this planet at the best of times, and you spawning your little fuck trophies is only exacerbating the problem.

Get off all fours and for the love of god, please stop updating your Facebook status while your truck-driving husband is injecting you with more of his amphetamine-laced semen, resting his beer gut on that heaving wheelbarrow of cellulite you call an ass.  And why is it always the fat girls pumping out the babies? They’re clearly fucking – how come THEY’RE getting laid and I’m not? RIDDLE ME THAT

The Illiterate

How do you even log into Facebook in the first place? Either you have your state-sponsored carer do it for you, or you CAN type correctly but you choose not to. Regardless, get the fuck off my Facebook. I shouldn’t need a retard-translator installed to understand your ridiculous post comparing cars to women. For starters, how dare you compare women to cars – women are living, breathing people who deserve exactly the same rights as other kitchen appliances. And if you’re going to be a mildly-racist misogynist on the internet, at least have the good form to be a mildly-racist misogynist that says something witty and spells it correctly.

The Illiterate Baby Makers

Enough said **

People who ‘like’ their own status

Seriously – kill yourself. The only thing worse than you are people who’ve created their own fan page, then use their regular account to ‘like’ their fan page’s updates. Even I don’t do that kind of sad-assed shit, and I’m a midget ginger kid who had to create an online persona that’s EXACTLY like himself just to hide in the warm blanket of anonymity.

Family Members

Why would you add your mum on Facebook? EVER? Family members as a general rule don’t even get added in the first place (unless they’re my sister, who’s a total badass - here’s a picture). Family members talk to each other. Family members judge you at Christmas lunches. Family members expect you to respect them and not say they’re acting “like a fucking child” just because they’re your aunty. Family members join fundamentalist christian cults that look down on your frequent and slanderous remarks that the pope performs abortions.

Pope Benedict XVI - Armed with the Holy Coat-Hanger of Justice

Don’t add family members on Facebook…

The Quizmaster

*facepalm* All I can say is thank FUCK Facebook now automatically hides multiple published quiz results. This new feature now fortunately collects other spammers too – emo kids bleeding out onto Facebook when they should be bleeding out in their bathrooms, attention whores updating every 30 seconds, or even the dreaded “Farmville” achievement update. No one gives a shit what you scored on the “Are you a Cylon?” quiz, or the “Which Stargate Atlantis Character are you?”, or the Twilight trailer you posted from YouTube. And while you’re at it, maybe try stepping out of the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of your video store for a change.

The Most Boring Man on Earth

He lurks on Facebook all day, watching the chat section, waiting in for you to arrive. He knows you’ll probably check facebook first thing in the morning, and he’ll be there. He is…

THE MOST BORING MAN ON EARTH!

You can try and tell him you’re busy – he’ll keep talking. You can try and go offline as soon as he says “Hi!” – he’ll write on your wall. He’ll send you YouTube videos of him building an IKEA cabinet. He has the social aptitude of a brain-damaged iguana, but for some reason he always wants to practice the latest small talk tip he read about on you. Block him, and do it soon. If you don’t, given enough time he’ll eventually try to become you – talking with your voice, copying your mannerisms, colouring his hair the same as yours. Next thing you know, he’ll be living in your house, dating your girlfriend, and she won’t know because he’ll be wearing your skin like a suit.

Well that’s it. I wanted to also mention “The Girl You’re Infatuated With But Will Never Have”, since it’ll inevitably turn into you friend-ing all of her friends, her then blocking you, and then you being charged for indecent exposure and stalking when the police find you masturbating over her cat (because it smells like a mix of her and cat urine). Trust me – cut out the middle man by blocking her immediately, THEN ejaculate on her pussy (strangely, not a double entendre…. wait what?)

On a final note, as a result of my blocking I now only have 4 facebook friends – a highly manageable number if I say so myself

* If you don’t already know how to block someone, a) why are you reading my blog, and b) you can stop reading this now because there’s a good chance are you’re already on my blocked list

** On an interesting side-note, I popped my blocking cherry with not one but two illiterate baby makers at the same time – it’s hotter than you’d think.