Menstrual Mondays – Failux

In this modern world, computers have become a way of life – we use them to stay in touch with friends & family, to design skyscrapers, write masterpieces, watch movies, even to collect and transmit images from space. Computers are now an integral part of Western society on almost every level.

And I like to think I’m fairly good with them – having spent 4 years at university studying Applied Physics, I’ve spent my fair share of time troubleshooting and operating most hardware and software you can think of. I’m far from being a computing genius, but I certainly know my way around. Physics tends to attract the computer “enabled” for some reason, so while I was reasonably cluey when I arrived, I soon discovered things about computers I’d never even imagined were possible.

I also discovered Linux.

Now my early knowledge of computers came exclusively from my Dad, who has only ever been introduced to Windows. But upon hitting uni, I suddenly met all these amazing new people, and they were all using Linux. They talked of rewriting kernels, compiling code, optimising their run tables – a whole new world of computing had been opened up to me. Suddenly here was the chance to make my precious computer hardware run at it’s absolute best, squeeze every single ounce of processing power out of what I had, and most importantly, run games at the highest fucking resolution possible. Sure, I’m abit of a nerd. But what a hot nerd I am.

I knew there would be a learning curve, so before I tried my first Linux install – a Fedora Core 3 OS from Red hat – I waited until the uni holidays. Even so I was so distracted by a trip away and seeing friends I never really played with it much. I liked the multiple desktops thing, and it seemed pretty quick, but I also had Windows installed with all my games, and it just seemed like too much work. I uninstalled it and went back to Windows full-time. It took 4 years, but 2 months ago I finally forced myself to try again. I had plenty of free time available, didn’t have any games on my laptop, and was looking forward to running a faster and more efficient machine. So I downloaded and installed the latest Ubuntu 9.04 build.

Now some of you fortunate souls may not even know what Linux or Fedora or Unix are, or that other operating systems besides Windows and Mac exist. Stop reading and go back to sleep – don’t let me destroy your glorious fantasy world of candy and unicorns. For those of you who know of Linux and are considering trying it yourself for the first time, I’d suggest doing something more fun that’s a better use of your time instead – like chewing broken glass then swilling battery acid. I can assure you right now that Linux is strictly the realm of pure geeks. This isn’t for the casual to committed computer user – this shit is like Videodrome, only there’s no sex and it’s on an .iso

If you have a shred of social aptitude, you’re wasting your time with this shit. Ubuntu is marketed as the OS “For Everybody”, and it is highly compatible with every thing I already use. I’ve tried to use open-source software for awhile now as it tends to be the best updated and most user friendly, so it made sense that all the programs I already use work with Ubuntu. What doesn’t make any fucking sense is why they all run like shit now – why VLC player refuses to open with a control panel attached, why OpenOffice takes half a fucking year to open, or why the media player has shoved a razor-blade dildo up my MP3 player’s ass.

It’s taken me this long to admit it, but I’m finally here – Ubuntu is fucked. The Linux super villains out there would probably tell me Ubuntu is just a Windows environment running on a Linux kernel. And they’re probably right – if I wanted to run a Linux distribution that was just like Windows, I may as well run windows. They’d tell me to install a real Linux distribution like Debian or RedHat. And after that I’ll need to re-write my kernel, update my drivers, blah, blah, blah – they can all suck a dick too. Why make it so fucking hard? I like being able to tune and edit my shit, but why not keep it fucking simple? Oh, and anyone who picks a fucking penguin for their OS’s logo deserves to spend their time in hell working at a call-centre for Windows 95 support… in India.

Ubuntu was the one the Linux nerds recommended, and now they’re all trying to run away from their AIDs-infested suggestion.

I also found this in the documentation during installation, explaining what the word “Ubuntu” actually means;

“A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed.”

– Archbishop Desmond Tutu

For starters, what the hell would Desmond Tutu know. And more importantly, running Ubuntu on my laptop has been both torture and oppression. The worst bit about Linux though is their advertising material -

I get it, you’re making fun of the Mac ads. Oh, and you’re pointing out that Windows Vista has a new look, and Mac has the new Snow Leopard OS X. How clever of you. I’m suitably amused by your weak parody. What you’re not getting though is that your advert makes no sense. For starters, when the hell did we let women near computers? If they’ve got time to be in adverts for an operating system, they’ve got time to make me a sammich. And even more unbelievable, when the hell would anyone who runs Linux ever have seen a woman? EVER. And I don’t mean the hentai “women” with shitting dick nipples the B-fags fap to on 4Chan – I mean real life women.

I’d love to rant some more, but I’ve just finished downloading the latest Windows 7 release candidate. And like Cypher, I’m going back into the Matrix, back where life is good. Back to where things fucking work. Just think about it – what happened after Cypher died in “The Matrix”? Yup, you guessed it: they made Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions. So I’m off to re-install Windoze. And if I have to kill a bunch of Linux users with a massive fuck-off plasma gun in the process, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Not only will I be able to use the new Windows and actually play the occasional game on it, but Windows 7 now has the “Aero” interface – which also happens to be my favourite chocolate.

Deliciously Minty

Coincidence? I think not.