College of Awesome – How to Huff a Kitten (Burning-Bungee Technique)

Task

Achieve a mind-altering psychedelic experience by huffing the soul out of a kitten

Background

While the last thing I need is any kind of mind-altering substance, my university experience still seemed slightly empty without them. There is little doubt that illicit drugs form an important an essential part in almost every student’s college experience. But while weed, pills and powder still hold absolutely no attraction to me, taking some sort of non-addictive psychedelic always had some appeal – any drug that users consistently report allows them to experience “the love of God” and to “be one with the universe” sound pretty fucking cool – which is shit, because it means fucking hippies get all the cool drugs like LSD, shrooms and mescaline. And god know how much I hate hippies.

I've hated hippies all my life

So it’s with great joy I can say I’ve found the perfect alternative for all the students of the College of Awesome that are looking to experiment with mind-altering substances, without becoming a goddamn hippy. Through my extensive online research, I’ve discovered KITTEN HUFFING

For the uninitiated, kitten huffing at it’s simplest is the ancient art of sucking the soul out of a kitten through it’s nose to reach a psychedelic state. But generations of kitten huffers has spawned a range of huffing techniques – for a full study of kitten huffing and the various huffing techniques developed, I strongly recommend the article from the ultimate online reference. Instead, our lecture today will focus on the latest technique for advanced huffers chasing an extremely high-impact high: the Burning Bungee Huff.

Equipment Required

• 1x fresh kitten (ideally orange, well stretched and yelled at)
• 1x Cat carrier
• 1x stupidly high bridge
• An bungee-jump operator sensitive to the unique requirements of burning bungee huffing
• 1x chemical molotov cocktail

Method

1. Ensure you kitten is fully prepared before booking the bungee jump. Bungy jumping is expensive, and the more work you put into preparing the kitten before the huff, the greater the experience. Don’t forget – a well prepared kitten means a well prepared soul.
2. Bring the kitten out onto the bungee bridge inside the cat container – burning bungee huffing is dangerous enough, without introducing the hazards of a cat with vertigo.
3. Strap into the bungee chest harness (if you’re a complete pussy) or just tie some rubber bands around your legs (if you’re a badass), then carefully remove the kitten from the container.
4. Taking the kitten in one hand, and the chemical molotov in the other, jump off the fucking bridge.
5. As you free-fall, strike the kitten over the head with the glass bottle containing the chemical molotov, setting it alight. It is important to use a chemical molotov and not a regular molotov cocktail, as the burning rag of a regular molotov maybe extinguished during the free-fall.
6. As you reach the point where the bungee cord is stretched, grasp the burning kitten tightly or it will slip from your grip and plummet into the river/ravine/highway below
7. As the bungee cord accelerates you and the kitten upwards again, use this increased momentum to violently rip the kitten into your face and inhale sharply. The violence of the impact combined with the intensity of the burning fur gives this huff a distinctive rush, similar to the head spin experienced after being struck from behind with a baseball bat.
8. Release the now depleted kitten, where it’s absence of a soul will cause it to float gently down to the safety of the river/ravine/highway below as it burns out.
9. Wait for the bungee operator to disconnect you from the bungee cord, lie down, and trip balls for the next few hours.

The Mighty Ginge displaying the moment of inhalation in a burning-bungee huff

IMPORTANT FINAL NOTICE: All students of Friday’s “Advanced Huffing 302″ are expected to bring me 5000 word analysis of the upheaval experienced in the global huffing community between the end of the “Oscar Wilde’s Hover Huff” period, and the beginning of the “David Hasselhoff Hasselhuff” period. Only photographic evidence of a successful burning-bungee huff will be accepted as a reason for non-completion.