College of Awesome – How to Milk a Grizzly Bear

As a role model for under 30′s everywhere, I feel a certain obligation to be using my powers of persuasion to help guide the drooling masses. As a result I’m instituting a new educational series aimed at teaching today’s youth all the important life skills that parents and teachers unforgivably ignore. Think of it as Open University for things that actually matter.

And to kick things off, a vitally important skill globally ignored by primary and secondary education systems for too long: How to safely milk a Grizzly bear.

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Task

Successfully milk a Brown Bear of the “Grizzly” sub-species (Ursus arctos horribilis)

Background

The Grizzly Bear is one of the most formidable and ferocious of all the warriors of the animal kingdom. Formed in the bowels of hell, the Grizzly draws on the power of Beelzebub to hunt and ritually sacrifice humans in their spare time between desecrating blond virgins and punching autistic kids. They don’t NEED to eat people, they do it for lulz. But looking at Grizzly bear cubs we see a paradox – putting two machines of pure unadulterated rage and hatred together shouldn’t produce tiny bundles of cuteness, wrapped in adorable love.

How these beautiful little cubs transform into fully-grown soulless killing machines can be put down to one thing though – Grizzly Bear milk. This tainted ivory nectar provides the fuel for the Grizzly’s transformation, and it is an essential ingredient in transforming ordinary people into vessels of awesome. It’s also one of the Colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices.

A range of approaches are available to the potential Grizzly-milker, such as sacrificing a neighbour’s pet/old person/Steve Fielding to the beast and milking it while it eats them; having 42 children mock a Christian prophet; stabbing a bear in the heart with a stake and quickly taking it’s milk before it disintegrates into dust, or threatening the bear’s family with a visit from Sarah Palin. Today we’ll be showing you the “Kansas School Board” approach to milking a Grizzly Bear – a variant of the “John West” approach, it’s a rather equipment intensive technique but proven to produce the largest quantity and highest grade Grizzly milk

Equipment Required

• 1x steel milk pale
• 1x Kansas school board composed of;
  • 6x Misguided bible-bashers
  • 4x Logical policy-makers
• 2x magical pegacorns
• 1x pair of heavy duty rubber gloves
• 1x pair of steel-capped boots (any size)

Method

1. Have the pegacorns start hanging out at the Grizzly’s shopping centre, hairdressers and the cub’s kindergarten* ; all the while talking loudly about the wonders of the public school system and how dreadful home-schooling is.
2. After several weeks of this the Grizzly will eventually snap, confronting the pegacorns about their comments about home-schooling and saying “My cubs are home-schooled and they’re just fine“
3. At this point the Grizzly will campaign to the Kansas School Board to have the Ancient Greek mythology she teaches her children taught in all schools, arguing that children arn’t being exposed to the possibility people and Fererro Rochers were created by the gods on Mount Olympus.
4. Zeus: Father of the Gods will come down from Mount Olympus and throw a lightning bolt at She-bear for being so retarded, temporarily stunning her. At this point immediately run up to She-Bear with the steel milk pale while wearing the steel-capped boots and heavy rubber gloves.
5. Place the pale between the legs of the still stunned animal
6. Violently kick the Grizzly as hard as you can in the crotch with the steel-capped boots. If the Grizzly suddenly wakes up, it means the pegacorns have fucked up and you’ve just kicked a Man-Grizzly in the balls – you’re about to die.
7. The still stunned She-bear will spontaneously spurt about 2 pints of milk into the pale. Ensure you are standing well clear of the pale in the event there is acidic milk back-spray. Grab the pale wearing the rubber gloves and run
8. Mount one of the pegacorns and fly to safety, while the other pegacorn sacrifices herself to ensure your escape.

And there you have it – two delicious pints of Grizzly milk and a flying, single-horned steed.

* Note – Proper pegacorn selection will save you alot of trouble at this point. Effective Pegacorns should be able to easily identify and track potential milking Grizzlys while avoiding Man-Grizzlys; ordinary Brown Bears; nonsensical Brooklyn-based musicians; and over-weight, African-American transexual men with excess body hair.