College of Awesome – Stealing Candy From a Baby

Task

Successfully acquire some form of diabetes-inducing confectionery from an under 2 through the unnecessary use of force

Background

Candy, Lollies, Sweets – whatever you call it, it’s the life force of children the world over. Candy can pacify children, act as a reward for getting in the back of a van, or (if you’re a catholic priest) be used to teach them basic economics. Take candy from a child, and it’s like taking a piece of their tiny under-developed soul at the same time. And it’s for this reason that we discuss the violent theft of candy from children. Not only does candy stolen from a pram-bound child taste sweeter than cocaine cut with icing sugar and the ground-up remains of Santa’s elves; the very act of stealing candy from one who depends on it so much – and destroying a piece of their untainted soul in the process – gives the sweet-stealer special powers, like being able to prematurely initiate world-record domino attempts with their mind or predict changes in carpet shampoo commodities.

The uninitiated would rightly assume that stealing candy from babies is a relatively simple task – nothing could be further from the truth. While it’s true under 2′s have quite poor dexterity and strength, they are also armed with a formidable array of character perks that aid in the defence of their precious gum-drops and sugar cane. Their first line of defence is their “Unfathomable Cuteness” trait, immobilising for 5 rounds all who are within 2 squares and fail a fortitude test. Should the character pass this fortitude test, the protector of the All-day-sucker can also use “Spontaneous Pumpkin-Coloured Projectile Vomit” (inflicting 3D20 damage to all characters falling under the large splash damage template), “Scream of a Thousand Deaths” (inflicting 1D20 damage and deafening the character for the rest of their natural life), or “Shitty Nappy Attack” (inflicting 1D6 damage, while also reducing charisma & concentration by 1D6 for all characters within 3 squares). Characters with immunity to cuteness are also warned of a new sub-species of baby recently classified as “Creepy Man-Face Babies”  – these fierce creatures immobilise through the “Epic Train Wreck Effect” instead, where characters are unable to look away from the baby’s hideous head.

You... you can't look away, can you?

To counter these and other future potential baby threats in the quest for stolen sugary nom-noms, the Mighty Ginge has – through extensive research and testing at our live-fire toddler range – developed the safest method you can implement at home without the need for expensive baby tranquillisation kits.

Equipment Required

• A mix of TV soap, bridal and fashion magazines,
• 1x Welding mask
• 1x Photo of Pauly Shore
• A Roll of sticky tape or drawing pins
• 1x Ye olde steel gauntlet

Method

1. Scatter the magazines around in an area the mother is about to walk with her child and it’s cargo of precious confectionery goods. A spectrum of Fashion, Bridal or TV soap magazines are certain to attract even the most unread women
2. Wait until the mother is distracted by one of these magazines, and approach the baby wearing the welding mask.
3. While the welding mask protects you from the glare of the child’s “Unfathomable Cuteness” trait, attach the photo of Pauly Shore to the child’s face with the sticky tape or drawing pins. The mask can now be removed, as the Pauly Shore photo will now protect you from the baby’s cuteness, provide limited protection from it’s “Spontaneous Pumpkin-Coloured Projectile Vomit” attack, and assist greatly in the next step. Be ready to replace the mask though – trusting Pauly Shore with anything is a deathwish, particularly if you’re trusting him to entertain audiences.
4. Remove the baby from it’s pram, and challenge it to a duel for it’s candy. Slap the baby in the face with the steel gauntlet (ala Mel Brooks) to formally issue the challenge. Ensure you act quickly in formalising the challenge, and really swing your hips into it as you back-hand the baby with 10 pounds of chrome-plated steel fist
5. Most babys are weak-willed bullys, so provided you’ve slapped it hard enough the first time, they’ll back right down at being challenged, and sit quietly while you take their candy. If the baby is part of the “Creepy Man-Face Baby” sub-species though, ensure you continue to bludgeon it with the gauntlet – nothing that evil deserves to live. Place the defeated infant back in it’s pram
6. Walk away, indulging in the procured sweets.

After an hour or so the mother will usually glance over to see her child sleeping soundly, although she may be concerned by it’s sudden resemblance to Pauly Shore. This is a common concern for all new mothers, and will calmed the next time the child is washed and the photo drops off.

And there you have it – it really is THAT easy