Menstrual Mondays – English, motherfucker – do you speak it?
I don’t think my vocabulary or prose is anything special. Sure, I write alot of stuff – but i’m certainly not going to become the next Hemingway or Hunter S. Thompson. Juggling words and crafting text into a fluent and coherent form is far from my forte. Instead, I tend to opt for the shotgun effect – throw out a random scattering of arguments and ideas in the hope the audience pick up the overall outline of things.
True wordsmiths hone and develop their art over many years, to the point where a single line can turn a text on it’s head. Proof-reading for these people is not about picking up basic spelling or grammatical errors – it’s about testing how the text sounds. They are a truly rare breed who use words like a master painter uses his brush.
But on the other end of the literacy spectrum however we have a very different type of “person”. A unique group of individuals who seem consumed with bending the English language over the bonnet of their Commodore station wagon and violently raping it. Another common trait amongst these people is their incredible ability to reproduce, and it is for this reason they are commonly known as “Breeders”. And this leads us to our first proverb of the night,
“If you can’t read, you breed“
And while I’ve been quietly joking about it for the last 6 years, it now appears that 90% of the people I went to school with have infact turned out to be Breeders.
“Well done, son – now you go take that ravernous snorlax homeand make a dozen little miracles to run around the trailer park.
Just don’t let them read!”
Ofcourse the downside of stalking potentially brain-damaged, illiterate baby-makers is that you’re exposed to their unfathomable stupidity with an incredibly debilitating regularity. And to compound the entire lobotomising experience not only is their entire existence mis-spelt, it’s deliberately mis-spelt. Now I don’t expect everyone to have perfect spelling and grammar by a long shot – I regularly make typos and fuck up my grammar. But to show such outright contempt for the English language makes me went to piss blood.
Some examples lifted (unedited) from Facebook status updates in the last week. I wish I was making these up:
a rota is lik a virgin goes pop a sr20 is a slut u get rid of afta she broke a 2jz is a prositute u make that mistake once rb26 wife reliable 4lyf
is wondering why ppl have to be that stupid seriously
is wantin to buy an emu .. n soo cnt wait for my bday
emu plz??
Why people have to be that stupid indeed….
I had to cut and paste each of those quotes so I didn’t become infected with stupidity from typing them out. But let me paint you a picture: If I somehow decided to befriend a chimpanzee, I’d first carefully gain it’s trust, then try to teach it sign language. There would be set-backs, tantrums and disappointment, but after literally years of intensive work we would be able to communicate. I would probably see the chimp as one of my closest companions, a friend who I’d grown together with.
But if I ever taught my chimp to type, and it wrote anything even vaguely resembling the quotes above, I’d blow it’s fucking brains out
Business chimp does not have time for your shit today
Reading back through the quotes now though, minus my trusty chimp companion, I have a single simple question for you all: What did vowels do to you that makes you hate them so much? Did they steal your car? Did you catch them molesting your dog? Did they try to sell you dodgy life insurance?
I only ask because they’ve clearly done something to upset you, and you’re making yourself sound retarded just to spite the building blocks of our language. I’d like to help you all work this out, because once we’ve resolved you vowel issues we can then start on your problem with punctuation.
I’m not a grammar/spelling Nazi, but I’ve seen first hand where this leads if left unchecked. A bit of light text-speak dropped into the conversation at high-school, next thing you know you’re in your mid 20′s and everyone you went to school with has three kids (all to different fathers), smokes “Winny Blues” and work part-time at McDonalds.
My school dux, and winner of “Single Mother of the Year, 2002″Jesus christ people, we all went to a rather well-off private school – you didn’t grow up on tour with the fucking blue collar comedy club. You actually had a solid education that didn’t involve shooting squirrels, comparing who had more teeth, or trying to rape your sister.
And I’m sure religion has a major part to play in all this: everyone of them is convinced God has blessed them to birth another little fucking miracle. News Flash Pork Chop – God wants you to put velcro between your gargantuan thighs so every time you hear that ripping sound you stop and wonder “Do I really need to make it a baker’s dozen?”. Ofcourse, you’ll go ahead and “rock up the big stuff” anyway, because there’s nothing good on TV and because they’re all little gifts from God, arn’t they?
Fuck 500 years in the future – the Idiocracy is here now, and it’s spawning in my backyard.
I’m moving overseas
There are 1 Comments to "Menstrual Mondays – English, motherfucker – do you speak it?"
http://www.noob.us/humor/no-asians-thank-you/
further proof