Menstrual Mondays – An Open Letter to the City of Perth

Dearest Perth,
We’ve both seen the signs for sometime now, but we’ve both been too scared to admit that special thing we had was slipping away. I know that both of us have worked so hard to keep it together over this last year, but there comes a time when the pain of staying together outweighs the fun times we have. I wanted to write this letter to you to try and explain why I don’t see us having a future together anymore.

It’s not that I mind the new Ferris wheel, or the Bell tower; but it just an example of you going ahead and doing something major without asking me. I for one would have gone with a totally awesome rollercoaster, or maybe giraffe rides along the foreshore. Instead it just looks like you’re trying to be a dodgy version of London, only without the class or the opening hours.

And while we’re on opening hours – I used to think your old fashioned approach to business hours was quirky and endearing. But as we’ve both grown it’s become an increasing nuisance. Want to go out for a night on the town? “Sorry guys, Perth goes to bed when Fat Cat tells her too“. I’m not really the type to go out partying all night, but I would like the option. Being a Ginger effectively precludes me from doing anything during the day as it is, much less enjoy your beaches that everyone else seems to have an aneurysm over. It’s honestly only been out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to you and your medieval lifestyle that I didn’t turn completely nocturnal years ago.

By now I’m sure you know I’ve been seeing other cities on the side, so it’s not right to keep leading you on. My time with Melbourne showed me how much fun I used have before we met, before I started growing old too early in this over-sized country town. While things haven’t necessarily worked out with her, she certainly made me realise how much more fun my life could be. She helped me remember what life was like before I took up “residence” in you – roaming free, being an epic man-slut, hanging shit on random people to their face rather than storing it up and posting it on the internet, and generally being too awesome for puny human words to express.

Barney Stinson – Stopped being sad, started being awesome instead

I gave that all up to be with you, but now I know it was a huge mistake. Your football teams are shit, and the self-absorbed sports reporters that jerk off over them every night deserve to drown in their own sleaze. I used to tell people I lived in Perth but I stopped, because now living in Perth is kind of like having a scooter – it was fun to ride till my friends found out.

Epic Suspension – He probably should buy some

Please don’t get upset – we both saw this coming when you knocked back daylight savings for the third time and I forced it on you anyway. I was just trying to bring you out of the 18th century. I know you’ll miss me – part of me will always miss you too. But I can’t go another day crusing down the freeway to be cut-off by another one of the dementia patients you’ve issued a driving licence. Everyone says the drivers in their city are the worst – trust me, only the drivers in Amman are worse than your’s, and that’s only because they’re trying to keep the goats in the backseat at the same time.

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but we couldn’t keep going the way we were. I’ll be around for a little while longer, just to pack up my stuff and then I’ll be gone. I’d still like to come back and visit you occasionally, but it probably better if we leave it just at that.

Good luck with your future ventures, whatever they may be.

Kind Regards,
The Mighty Ginge