I settled in for the night with coffee, icecream and icemagic and flashed-back to my childhood the moment that black guy starts lifting the gate and winds up as raptor shit. But in the back of my mind I knew something wasn’t right. It was still Jurassic Park – it hadn’t changed one bit (except when they raped the francise by going back for number 3, and soon number 4). But seeing the Velociraptors again I couldn’t get this total sense of dread out of my chest that had never been there before.

I’d never been scared of the raptors as a kid, but looking into their eyes now scared the shit out of me. And then I worked out what it was – I’d seen those eyes just days before, staring out unblinkingly from the one animal I now truly do hate and fear.

They wait till you fall asleep

Melbourne Aquarium recently opened their new penguin exhibit, and I was lucky enough to see these beady-eyed little bastards before the general public smeared their themselves all over the glass to the exhibit. No one else there seemed to see their tiny black un-blinking eyes staring out through the glass, or their goose-stepping around in formation like some kind of tiny penguin Schutzstaffel….. oh no, it was all “Ohhh, arn’t they adorable!” and “Look at their little feathers, they all look like they’re wearing tiny suits!”

I fucking hate penguins – they’re creepy, covert little footballs of terror, waiting to strike when we ignorant humans least expect it. They run a damn good PR campaign too, with a variety of different movies, documentaries and TV spots showing how “adorable” and non-threatening they are.

Fuck you La La – I will hunt you, and the people who
saved you, down like the dogs you all are

One of my bosses here even jokingly suggested we start running penguin dives to complement the shark dives we’re already doing at the aquarium – besides it being a balmy 4 degrees in the penguin tank, I’d rather face-off with a pissed off honey badger than jump in a tank full of these little assholes. Penguins have also been the mascot of one of the most annoying groups of people on the planet for over a decade now – Linux users. And even then, the guy behind Linux chose the logo just to appease his penguin masters after one of them bit him.

So congratulations penguins, you managed to fuck up a cherished childhood memory and make an enemy for life. Atleast the ones in the aquarium exhibit will be fairly easy to get rid of – flame throwers were designed for clearing out tightly enclosed places. In the meantime I’ll go back to looking for more pictures like this -

Shredded penguin – Taste the rainbow, bitch