Random – This post is so awesome it doesn’t need a title, blogspot you fascist!

Atleast a hundred years ago, Valve software released Half-Life; the greatest, most ball-draining game of it’s time. Half Life spanked so hard that old people had heart attacks, pregnant women had their water break, and grown men shat their pants – and that was just when they decided to send it gold. The uncircumcised product was well over 9000 – even better than punching Gerri Haliwell in her enormous flabby minge. Morticians used to play Half-Life in morgues, and it brought car-accident victims back to life; we now know these creatures as “PS3 owners”. Pop stars threw themselves in front of buses, knowing they could never compete for people’s attention against Half-Life and all it’s majesty. Family members ate each other so there was less competition for the computer.

In a word, it was epic.
For fear of re-sparking the terrifying “HL Riots” of ’97, I tentatively so you some images from this world-changing game. First off we had the squealing Chux Super-Wipe with legs,

“WHY DOES DO MY CHICKEN NUGGETS SCREECH AND HAVE LEGS GODDAMMIT!”
Houndeye Babies – Lovingly cooked at a KFC near you

These evil little bastards would hunt in packs and sneak ………….. SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! I just tried making plunger coffee for the first time, and having no idea what the hell I was doing, I think I got half of the ground coffee in the bottom of my cup – which I just accidentally drank. Tasted like a panda jacked up on crack shat in my coffee and stirred it in – although I am feeling the jitters from the unprocessed crack though.
LETS GET ANOTHER CUP, BIATCH!

Tonight, capslock be my friend……

Anyway Half-Life had bat-shit crazy monsters, a commando physicist that donkey-punches the universe, and black people losing their wives and their legs. It was the greatest thing since patriarchal hierarchy.

And just after the planet had started to recover for the wide-spread famine, disease and psychological teabagging that was Half-Life, the prophet Gabe Newell warned of worse things to come – a video game so great that pitiful humans would have to kill themselves and play it in hell, for nothing so powerful could even be released onto Earth itself without the magnetic poles reversing and the Raptor Jesus returning to OH FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS HOW DOES THIS BROWN SLUDGEY SHIT GET IN MY COFFEE?! Who the hell invented this plunger crap anyway – where is my bloody instant? I’m going to go out and fly-kick a Puerto Rican for picking this shit, blending it up and packaging it so that my gay housemates buy it. There is only one type of coffee, and it comes in a half kg tins with “Blend 43 rapes other coffees” on the front.

Bow before it’s majesty puny humans!

So Valve released Half-Life 2 and the planet went into another ice-age, Al Gore’s brain imploded, and Raptor Jesus ripped Evanescence fans in half.

And the lord said “Thou be thy raptor, and ravage thy mother unto dust I shall”

Most recently Valve has decided to pass down another civilisation-spanking piece of software, one that has been in the wings since the first Half-Life apocalypse – Team Fortress 2. Some might say that Team Fortress was originally a Quake mod converted to the Half-Life engine – I feel this lie is much like people saying Pat’s mum was once abit difficult to get to put-out ; even if it once WAS true, reality has moved on so far that the sheer concept of TF being anything but a Half-Life mod is unimaginable. The original Team Fortress wasn’t too bad, but we all knew it could be so much more. When TF2 was released in the Orange Box, it came with such a bang that I personally felt emasculated.

Simply ball-tearing

There was ofcourse one massive downside to all this planetary turkey-slapping: just like everyone who watches Australian Idol, anyone who played TF2 and uses teamspeak, is automatically turned into a 13 year old girl. Can everyone on a pub please sprout a pair and drop it down by about 4 octaves. Otherwise I’ll cut out your voice-box with a butter knife and use it as a filter for this shitty coffee.

Wow, totally need more of that panda-shit tasting crack coffee……….I’m starting to trip out and hear shit going on around me, and I’m the only one home JESUS CHRIST THE OOMPA LOOMPAS ARE COMING MAN! THERE COMING OUT OF THE FUCKING TREES! SWEET MOTHER OF NEPTUNE TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER – TAKE THAT YOU GREEN HAIRED FREAK, TASTE THE BACK OF MY CHAIR! TASTE IT! YOU WANT SOME OF THE GINGE? YOU WANT THIS? I’M GONNA COME AT YOU LIKE A SPIDER MONKEY BITCHES!

So, ummm…….. maybe plunger coffee is not for me. FUCK OFF ITUNES I’M BUSY. I think I’m going to start a few other blogs, cause I’m enjoying writing, but some of this shit is waaaay too much effort when I’m not in the right mindset – if I get the “I have a split-personality called Dot trying to bust out of my pants” crazy going on I don’t even read what the hell I’m typing. But sometimes I’d like to write about stuff that Dot doesn’t give a shit about, and then it all just comes out sounding weird.

Not that any of it matters with the coming Mudkip-Rapture anyway.