College of Awesome – What’s black & white, furry, and will destroy your inner-child?

Well it’s that time of year again folks – uni orientation week

For most of you out there “O-week” as it’s known is a time of preparation for the coming semester – buying new books, stationary and fake IDs; attending unit orientations for timetabling; going to department orientation for an overview of the next year’s work; and of course there’s all the stalls and fun to be had on the Student Guild’s orientation day, “O-Day”.

Sure, you’re having fun – but you still look like a muppet

O-week can be a lot of fun, and O-day in particular. That is of course if you’re not one of the fools that punishes themselves every year in the pursuit of the purest form of physical comedy while serving a sacred and time-honoured tradition- those who make the ultimate sacrifice for the dignity of our education, while their life hangs on a thread.

And while I don’t always like to tell everyone how truly awesome I am, I will tell them that I’m easily the elite of the elite in this highly competitive and dangerous comedic art-form.

Ever since the Curtin physics social club “PHYSSED” adopted the panda as it’s official mascot during my reign of glorious terror as club president in 2006, I’ve been central to developing the PHYSSED panda as a brand that all Curtin students know, love and fear. From the conceptual birth of the panda on the PHYSSED flag, through to the use of the terrifying panda suit on scared and nervous first-years during “Mystery Night”; the myth of the Ginge and the Panda have merged into the same. First year student no longer know if it was the Ginge, or the panda suit itself, that climbed on top of the Vice-Chancellor’s office in defiance of Curtin’s doughnut molesting security guards.

The panda has made many an outing on campus, terrorising the student populace for more than 2 years now – but it’s O-day that Physsed’s “Death Panda” truely shines. Naive asian first-year students coming running to the panda with hopes of panda hugs and photo opportunities; older wiser students shield their eyes from the ensuing blood bath. Newly elected student guild council members are warned about approaching the panda on O-day during their induction as the panda seems to have a penchant for violence specifically against guild councillors. Drivers are advised to utilise randomly defined “Panda Safe” times through-out the day to move their vehicles along the main promenade, or risk their rear bumper being dry-humped.

Panda steals, punches, humps or throws anyone and anything on O-day.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Ask yourself:
- Have I been punched in the crotch by a guy in a panda suit? That was the Ginge
- Have I been violently dry-humped by a panda with a floppy head? The Ginge too
- Have I had a thoughtful panda bring you a carton of choc milk when you’re looking sad? May have been the Ginge
- Have I then had the same panda fly-kick the carton out of my hand just as I went to sip the choc milk, and the panda ran away giggling? DEFINITELY the Ginge

See, what people don’t understand is that pandas are not cute, lovable squishy things that adore humans or human attention – they are rabid killing machines left behind by the Flying Spagetti Monster to guard the university gates against the likes of business and fine-arts “students”. This fact has clearly slipped past our new Guild President, who’s first act was to send Curtin’s pandas into involuntary redundancy, using the panda’s salary to buy more strippers and crack for the commerce club.

Not only did our sacred pandas serve an important function in protecting the dignity of our tertiary qualification, they had an equally important side-function : entertaining students through the brutal punishment of the people who would shame our uni by parading around commerce and arts “degrees” to prospective employers.

In the interests of Curtin students everywhere, I took up this mantle. And while the pain of running for 3 hours straight in a fur suit, on a day hot enough to warm my grandmother’s heart, is excruciating; nothing is more satisfying that leaping out of a tree onto a mature-aged student’s back, breaking their arthritic hands with their own Zimmer frame (so they can’t fight back), then stealing their blood-pressure medication.

Knowing they might have studied commerce just makes it that much sweeter. Don’t think real pandas are this brutal? Oh contraire………………..

Over the last two years, PHYSSED has also seen an intriguing side-effect to the panda’s reign of terror – the copy cat. Last Wednesday was the most obvious display of this developing “Panda Worship” through mimicry, with the use of ANOTHER panda suit to advertise a dance party. While initially amusing, this furry doppelgänger proceeded to give out hugs and pose for photos – clear violations of the Ailuropoda act of 2004. When challenged, the suit’s occupant mumbled something about “free country” and “hug who I want”, before I proceeded to eat her face (it was a chick, she screamed when I crash-tackled her to the floor).

Pandas don’t speak let alone mumble, BIATCH!