Menstrual Mondays – Death by clown shoes

We all know someone who did it. Someone who had to jump on the bandwagon, sell their soul and join the ranks of the undead; one who was tempted by the devil himself and became the truly unthinkable……..

Everybody knows a part-time Chuck Norris fan

Now before I go too far and I have 3500 emails from some little albino diabetic kid living in a basement (who’s only dream is to one day walk outside and practice his Chuck Norris skillz for real-real, not for play-play), screaming at me and sending me pictures of his albino poo (it’s pasty white too by the way) cause I attacked his proxy sensei – I respect Chuck Norris.

Because Chuck Norris knows the only good albino giraffe is a dead albino giraffe

Seriously how could you not have the utmost respect for someone who can dedicate their lives to martial arts so fully that they have to make a living kicking the shit out of people (much like muggers do). And I have no doubt that even at 67, Chuck Norris could break my weak girly spine as easily as I broke my neighbor’s 4 year old kid’s arm last weekend chasing the green absinthe fairy through their house.

However, Chuck Norris fans are a completely different story. The legions of wannabe comedians stealing my oxygen all over the world discovered a few years back a seemingly endless supply of shitty material: the Chuck Norris “fact”.

No doubt you’ve heard a few and had a chuckle – it’s okay, some of them ARE funny. I mean seriously who wouldn’t laugh at hearing that there is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

But this chuckle isn’t enough for the Chuck Norris fan, oh no. No, no, they’ll only be satisfied when they’ve listed off verbatim a memorized web page with a hundred different Chuck Norris “facts”.

“Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin, only another fist.
Return to main page. All Rights Reserved, unfunnydeadshits.com……….. Pretty funny stuff right?”

“I’m going to kill you. I’m going to go out and hire a clown costume. When I get back, I’m going to force-feed you my comical red nose, then beat you to death with my over-sized clown shoes.
THAT will be pretty funny stuff.”

I just jumped on google to find out how much web space has wasted on this shit: 386,000 pages. That’s 386,000 different web addresses I could have used to spread the mighty Ginge’s gospel, wasted on the repetition of the same bullshit Chuck Norris jokes.

And now the assholes that started this monster are selling a book with – you guessed it – 500 Chuck Norris facts.

I hate you……

And shit, if we’re going to resurrect old has-been action heroes, atleast make sure we resurrect truely bad-ass has-beens. Case in point – Blaine Cooper

Blaine Cooper – Sexual Tyrannosaurus, general bad ass

Every red-blooded man who still has his jewels has seen Predator. And every single one of them wishes they were Blaine – anyone who calls his squad mates slack-jawed faggots, calls himself a sexual Tyrannosaurus (and has the mini-gun to back it up), and doesn’t “have time to bleed” deserves alot more than just a list of “facts”.

Sure, he dies in Predator (only because that asshole Predator shot him in the back though), but don’t forget squealing Chorris fans: Chuck got the shit kicked out of him by Bruce Lee in “Return of the Dragon” in a fair fight – beat Norris until he cried like a bitch to be spared, and instead Bruce Lee imploded Chuck Norris’s head in the vice-like grip of his steel ass-cheeks .

Chuck Norris becomes Bruce Lee’s bitch

So ladies and gents, lets give the Chuck Norris “facts” a break, and instead pay tribute to the true men of film – men who carry mini-guns named “Ol’ Painless” and chew tobbaco faster
than my nanna gums at her mis-fit dentures.

Ginge-a-licious out